Terry
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Episode Transcript: 6acv07 |
6acv07: The Late Philip J. Fry
Bender: Don't wake up Fry.
Bender: My roommate's sleeping.
Bender: Wake up already! [Fry wakes up and looks at Bender.] I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot. And I'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it. [They walk off to Bender's room.] [angry] Now can we get some privacy?
Bender: Ah yeah, backing on up.
Bender: [singing] Hambone! Hambone! Hambone. [talking] Okay, hambone break's over. Back to the bedroom.
Bender: [off-screen; singing] Hambone! Hambone! Hambone.
Bender: Wake up and feel the coffee.
Fry: Oh no! I'm late for work again!
Fry: Sorry, I'm late. Bender: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. Farnsworth: I've had it with your tardiness, Fry. I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else. Fry: Well, wait a second. Leela's not here yet. Amy: She left a while ago. She said some idiot were taking her to lunch for her birthday.
Fry: Oh no! I'm late.
Elzar: Since you got stood up, I thought this might cheer you up a notch.
Leela: That's not necessary. Elzar: [singing] What day is today? Leela: Please stop. Elzar: [singing] What a day for a birthday Leela: I really would like you to stop singing. Elzar: [singing] Let's all have some cake. [talking] You want to buy a slice of a birthday cake for 11.95? Leela: Yes, please.
Fry: Ooh, nice cake. Sorry, I'm late. Leela: [angry] Where have you—? [calm] Nah, it's fine. Fry: You're not mad? Leela: I was. But then I realised it's actually my fault for thinking you might be on time for once. [She cleans her mouth with a napkin.] Anyhow, I ate both our lunches. You ordered the Lobster Pilé. It wasn't cheap.
Elzar: Bam!
Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green. Leela: Wow. That'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I'll swear I be there.
Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonism bot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburb. [He is holding an announcement of Hedonism together with his house with the text 'I'm Getting Married!'.] But tonight, he's having the girls gone wildest bachelor party of all time.
Fry: Woohoohoohoo... [He notices Leela is not pleased.] ... cares? I'm having dinner with Leela.
Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I wanna not throw up. On you.
Leela: Really? Bender: Your loss. [He turns around. Farnsworth and Cubert are in the laboratory.] Hey, Professor, you're my wingman. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.
Fry: I just have to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO? Amy: Guh. It's a record your own message card. You don't sign it. You leave it nude video greetings. Fry: Does it have to be nude? Amy: I guess not. That never occurred to me.
Fry: If I leave now, record a birthday greeting on the way, score some fancy cologne at the newsstand, I'll be exactly on time!
Farnsworth: You're not going anywhere. Fry: But I have a date. Farnsworth: You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention. [They walk over to a giant sheet covering something. He reveals a time travelling machine.] Behold! A time travelling machine!
Bender: Time? I can't go back there. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother. Fry: I wouldn't wanna do that again. Farnsworth: We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. [He takes out a remote and opens the time machine. The sound of a car being unlock is heard.] Get in. Fry: Okay, hurry. Let's get it over with. I can record Leela's birthday card while we're in there.
Fry: [to card] Happy birthday, Leela. I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we're testing the professor's dumb time machine.
Farnsworth: Okay. I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the—
Fry: My card!
Fry: Did we go too far? What time is it?
Bender: [dramatically] The year ten thousand!
Farnsworth: [voice over] Whoopsie.
Farnsworth: Oh dear. I mean, oh my. Fry: The year ten thousand? But I promised Leela I'll be on time for dinner. Farnsworth: Relax, Fry. Everyone we ever knew died thousands of years ago. Bender: Everyone we ever knew? Nah, I never liked those guys.
Fry: [frustrated] No! They did it! They blew it up! [The camera pans to reveal a monkey Statue of Liberty.] And then the apes blew up their society too. How could this happen? [Camera pans to reveal a bird Statue of Liberty.] And then the birds took over and ruined their society. [Camera pans to reveal a cow Statue of Liberty.] And then the cows. And then... [Camera pans to reveal a strange slug-like Statue of Liberty.] ... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? [screaming] Noooo!
Waiter: While you await your [He does a quotation mark hand gesture.] friend. Allow me to read from a prepared history of our cavern. [He takes out a brochure titled 'History of Cavern on the Green'.] These unique rock formations were created over millions of years by mineral rich water dripping from pores in the ceiling. Dripping and dripping. [voice slowed down into a dark tone] year on year, [even slower] century after century.
Elzar: [singing] What day is today? [talking] Hey, aren't you the loser who got stood up on my other restaurant? Leela: Just shut up and bring me two dinners.
Leela: Has anyone seen Fry's ass? It's late for a date with my boot. Cubert: Fry's not here. Obviously he went to that pervert party with Bender and the professor.
Leela: Fry went to the party?
Linda: [on television] We interrupt Hypnotoad on Ice to bring you breaking coverage ... [The title card reads 'Sorrow at the soirée'.] ... of the disaster at Hedonism bot's bachelor party.
Morbo: [on television] Linda, what began as innocent fun ended in tragedy tonight when a nuclear powered robot stripper suffered a catastrophic reactor meltdown. There is only one survive.
Hedonism bot: Everywhere I looked there were piles of bodies. And then the explosion struck.
Zoidberg: The three coworkers I like... all dead! Leela: Fry stood me up and died? [angry] I'm so angry. [sad] I mean, I'm so sad. [angry] But I'm still pretty angry. [sad] But also sad. [to Hermes] Can I be both? Hermes: It's what he'd want. Leela: Then that's what I am! Hi-yah!
Bender: Man, the future is a total craphole. Whoever lives here is a crapface sack of crap. [He turns around to some natives.] No offence, fellows. Native #1: Don't sweat it, man.
Fry: I'll never see Leela again. Farnsworth: No, without a backwards time machine we're stuck in this craphole. Native #1: Dude, give it a rest. Farnsworth: Hold on! I got it. We can't go back in time, but we can keep going forward until people invent the backwards time machine. Fry: And then we can go home. Bender: Hit it.
Song: [verse 1] In the year one-o-five, one-o-five
Old Hermes: Sometimes I can't believe how successful Planet Express became once the professor was killed and you seized control. Old Leela: There were tough times. But we all pulled together.
Old Zoidberg: I've been crunching the numbers on our transgalactic strategy— Old Leela: What are you doing here? I laid you off twenty years ago.
Old Zoidberg: Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to. Old Leela: Success is nice, but I do kinda miss the old days.
Old Cubert: Hey, leels.
Old Leela: Hi, Cubert.
Male inhabitant: May we help you, strange ones? Bender: We are travellers from the past, my good runt. Female inhabitant: I see, since your time, human evolution has diverged.
Male inhabitant: There are we; advanced in intellect and morality.
Female inhabitant: And the Dumblocks; stupid viscous brutes, who live underground. Farnsworth: Advanced in intellect, you say? Have you invented a backwards time machine? Female inhabitant: No, but if we supply our superior minds, we can perfect such a device within five years. Farnsworth: See you then!
Bender: We're back for our time machine.
Farnsworth: Yuhoo, boys! What's this era in human history like? Soldier #1: The machines, we build them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead.
Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.
Lady #1: Greetings, time travellers.
Bender: Stupid jerks wouldn't let me stay in the good future. Fry: How do you know we're time travellers? Lady #2: We too studied the time travel enigma. Lady #3: We have perfected a method using negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time. Farnsworth: My name is Hubert. Fry: [joyous] All right! We can go home! Bender: [mocking] Nah-nah! We can go...
Lady #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are very rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. [Farnsworth and Fry smiles.] Tonight, please be the guests of honour at our fertility banquet. Farnsworth: Well, there is certainly no harm in a fertility banquet. Fry: I can eat. And fertilise. Lady #1: Very well, anoint our guests in oil without using our hands. Bender: [interrupting] Oh, so we can stay in the future you like? But not the future I like? Next!
Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine. Bender: The other place had a lot of good things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Farnsworth: Why you!
Bender: Oh no, you didn't.
Fry: Stop. Somewhere, some time, Leela's waiting for me. We need to keep looking for a backwards time machine.
Farnsworth: Fry is right. Bender: Yes, we have to work together. And not have this fight I was definitely winning.
Farnsworth: The year one billion.
Farnsworth: I got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for. [This future is entirely covered in a dead desert, covering as far as the eyes can see.] Nope. [Farnsworth takes up a device that scans the area and turns up an X on its screen and buzzes.] In fact, all life is extinct.
Fry: So let's keeping going forward. Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. Earth is dead. This is the end of all things.
Fry: The Cavern on the Green.
Fry: I made it, Leela. Sorry, I'm a billion years late.
Old Leela: You'll get your alimony cheque, Cubert. Now get lost. Old Cubert: Chill out, I'm just here to see Amy.
Old Amy: Move it, boy-toy. Granny's taking you to Atlantic City.
Old Hermes: I don't know why you ever married that pig-nose punk. Old Leela: I don't know either. I'm married to the job now. [The faint reveal of the time machine appears behind Leela and the birthday card comes flying out.] I used to think there was someone for me, but— [She gets hit by the card and falls over.] Aw! [She sits up with the card.] How odd, it's one of those old record your own message birthday cards.
Fry: [on card] Happy birthday, Leela. I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we are testing the professor's dumb time machine. But you know, happy birthday and all and... [He leans closer to the card.] ... I love you. [In the background, the time machine goes off. The card vanishes away from Fry] My card!
Old Leela: My whole life I've been mad at him. And it wasn't his fault.
Leela: [voice-over] Dear Fry, our time together was short, but it was the best time of my life.
Fry: You know, all in all, I had a good life. What you say the three of us grab a six pack and watch the universe end? Farnsworth: Hear, hear! Bender: That's basically what I do every day.
Fry: To the end of the universe.
Fry: So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.
Fry: Hey, uh, what was the purpose of life anyway? Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit. Bender: Mm-hm. Fry: Sounds about right.
Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness.
Bender: Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint.
Farnsworth: Ah, the last protons should be decaying about now.
Fry: Bye, last proton.
Farnsworth: And... [He stands up.] ... here we are; the end of the universe.
Fry: Well, now what? You guys wanna talk? Bender: No thanks.
Fry: Did anyone else see that? Farnsworth: Unbelievable. It's a second big bang. [In front of them, the sun is forming. Fry is covering his eyes.] My God, is it possible? Fry: It must be possible. It's happening. By the way, what's happening? Farnsworth: It appears, this universe is exactly identical to the old one. If so, we just need to keep going forward in time to the point when we left. [The Earth is forming in front of them. Volcanoes and ashes covers the surface.] The Earth is born! [It begins raining. A rock hits the Earth and the moon appears.] Ladies and gentlemen, the moon.
Fry: Look. The first fish to crawl up on land.
Bender: [off screen] It was coming right at us.
Bender: You saw it. Fry: I'm gonna grab another beer.
Bender: Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs. Fry: It's okay. They're not going anywhere. [He finally retrieves a beer and stands up.] Where'd they go?
Bender: Now what's going on there? Fry: History. Farnsworth: Hang on, I just want to make one stop.
Hitler: Betrachten Sie meinen Schnurrbart.
Farnsworth: Easy. Easy. Taking her in for a landing.
Farnsworth: One year to go. [He moves the switch.] Six months. Fry: I'm almost there, Leela. Farnsworth: One month. [He moves the switch.] Two weeks. [He moves the switch.] One hour. [He moves the switch.] Thirty seconds and here we—
Fry: Stop! Bender: Give me the keys, Magoo.
Farnsworth: We'll have to bring her around again.
Farnsworth: Just slow it down, I'll shoot Hitler out the window. [He takes out his weapon again and aims out the window and shoots.] Darn! I shot Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake. [He drops the weapon.] Okay. Nearing our era again. [Bender moves the leaver.] Here we go. [Bender moves the leaver.] Careful this time. [Bender moves the leaver.] Careful.
New Farnsworth: We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. [He opens the time machine with his remote.] Get in. New Fry: Okay, hurry, let's get it over with.
New Farnsworth: But, err, wha–? Farnsworth: Oh uh.
Farnsworth: This new universe is about ten feet lower than our old one.
Farnsworth: Pow. We took care of the time travel paradox.
Fry: All right! Bender: Yabba dabba doo.
Fry: Oh uh, I'm late for dinner with Leela.
Waiter: Welcome to Cavern on the Green. May I offer you some meatloaf while you wait?
Fry: Sorry, I'm late. Leela: Actually, you're on time. Fry: Really? Leela: I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it. Fry: That was the old Fry. He's dead now.
Fry: Happy birthday, Leela. I got you a card, but I guess I kinda lost it. Leela: That's okay. I don't really like cards. What I'll remember is our time together.
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